


Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?

by 2Bluewhales



Category: Captain America, Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Bucky Barnes & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Pining, just...so much pining i am gay, more to tag later, steve rogers is a little dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28163370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Bluewhales/pseuds/2Bluewhales
Summary: He was in the middle of learning about the bioluminescence of angler fish when he heard a quiet knock at his door. He looked at the digital clock on his TV and frowned when he saw that it was almost ten. He almost groaned out loud at having to get up from the cocoon of warm blankets that he was burrowed in but begrudgingly disentangled himself and set his tea down before looking through the peephole.He squinted not really sure of what he was seeing in the darkness before realization struck him, then he was quickly unlocking his door and yanking it open. Bucky could only stare at the scene that greeted him. Steve stood there with a duffle bag hanging off his shoulder and a forced smile on his face.He was swimming in an oversized sweater that Bucky knew he only wore when he was having a bad day, and his hair was all over the place. But what really killed Bucky was his eyes, Steve’s baby blue eyes were rimmed with red. He’d been crying.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Maria Hill/Sam Wilson, Peggy Carter/Angie Martinelli, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Sharon Carter/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well....here's this I guess! Yes, the title is from Heather by Conan Gray.

Bucky thought he deserved a nice, quiet night in after a long day at work. He had his feet propped up on the couch with a mug of tea in his hands, and a nature documentary playing on his TV. It’d been a long while since he’d last let himself relax and have a day all to himself, when he wasn’t swamped with work, he was visiting his mom and helping out around the house.

This time, though, Bucky was set on doing something for himself. He was going to enjoy learning about marine ecosystems and let himself be lulled to sleep early by the calming voice of the British narrator of the documentary. This was a documentary that Natasha had recommended to him, she had made it her personal goal to find a nature documentary that was actually good after the last time Bucky had been given free rein to choose the documentary. Bucky had chosen the first one he’d seen, one about killer whales, that had turned out to be monstrously depressing and sparked outrage in him that left a big enough impact to make him go vegetarian. For almost a week.

He was in the middle of learning about the bioluminescence of angler fish when he heard a quiet knock at his door. He looked at the digital clock on his TV and frowned when he saw that it was almost ten. He almost groaned out loud at having to get up from the cocoon of warm blankets that he was burrowed in but begrudgingly disentangled himself and set his tea down before looking through the peephole.

He squinted not really sure of what he was seeing in the darkness before realization struck him, then he was quickly unlocking his door and yanking it open. Bucky could only stare at the scene that greeted him. Steve stood there with a duffle bag hanging off his shoulder and a forced smile on his face.

He was swimming in an oversized sweater that Bucky knew he only wore when he was having a bad day, and his hair was all over the place. But what really killed Bucky was his eyes, Steve’s baby blue eyes were rimmed with red. He’d been _crying_.

Bucky didn’t think twice before spreading his arms open and Steve was on him in an instant, arms wrapping around him and clenching at Bucky’s back while pained sobs wracked through his body. Bucky’s heart was squeezing painfully at the sound, his mind was swimming in confusion on what was going on, but he ignored it in lieu of dragging Steve over to his couch.

Steve didn’t make an effort to remove himself from Bucky, so Bucky carefully maneuvered them so that Steve was tucked into his side but was still able to stay locked in an embrace. Steve was still crying, and Bucky could only rub soothing circles into his back with one hand while the other hand ran fingers through Steve’s hair.

It seemed like they sat there for hours. When Steve’s crying finally stopped completely, all that was left were sad sniffles. Bucky couldn’t take any more of the sound, it was too heartbreaking.

“Steve, what’s going on?” Steve whimpered into Bucky’s neck and fresh tears sprung to his eyes.

Bucky shushed him gently. “You’re okay, you’re going to be okay. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong, pal.”

Steve finally removed himself from around Bucky and instead brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. Bucky couldn’t stand the sadness he saw on his face as he stared at the floor. Two minutes passed before he finally spoke.

“Peggy broke up with me,” His voice was shaky.

Bucky’s mouth dropped open in surprise and he shut it just as quickly in case Steve saw. His brain was having difficulty processing Steve’s words, it made no sense to him. Steve and Peggy were together for almost four years, they were college sweethearts. They got together in their first year of college and out of all of their friends, they had the most solid relationship. Everyone always teased them that they were going to be the first ones to get married. At least, that was something that Steve saw in their future too. Bucky was positive that Steve and Peggy were a forever thing, he always made jokes about being Steve’s best man. No matter how much it pained him to do so.

Because that was it, wasn’t it? Bucky was in love with Steve and it was a secret from no one but Steve. Loving Steve was something so constant in Bucky’s life that the ache of not being able to have him had become something as normal as breathing to him, he almost never noticed the dull pain that was always coursing through him when he was around Steve. He’d gotten so good at pretending that he would let himself believe that he could get over him and move on with other people. It never worked out and the only result of those failures were sympathetic pats on the back from Steve, who always told him that he would find someone eventually who would love him the way he deserved. Bucky had long decided to stop trying to date after the last time, he didn’t have it in him to subject himself to that kind of pain again.

Bucky had only told Natasha about it because, after his second breakup, he’d isolated himself in his room and avoided his friends, making the mistake of leaving his front door unlocked. She ended up sneaking in and found him curled up in bed, feeling sorry for himself. He felt pathetic that she’d seen him that way, but she’d eventually gotten it out of him, and he’d admitted his feelings for Steve out loud for the first time to someone besides himself. Natasha had made a face, which she explained was because she’d already known, and it was obvious to everyone, except Steve, apparently. Bucky had only croaked and asked, “ _Sam?_ ” in distress. She’d nodded sadly and cuddled with him despite the fact that he hadn’t showered in a while and they watched his favorite movies together.

Even though he’d been embarrassed by the whole thing, he never regretted that she’d found out. In fact, it was the greatest thing that could’ve happened to him. Natasha had become his rock in trying to navigate through all of his feelings for Steve. She always accompanied him on double dates with Steve and Peggy despite the fact that she was dating Sharon, and she was always making sure that Bucky would avoid being in pain whenever possible.

In the last year, she had almost completely taken over as his best friend as he avoided Steve more and more. Bucky never hung out with him just one-on-one anymore, and if they did, Bucky would always text Natasha an SOS and she would show up as if it was completely by coincidence and plop herself in between them wherever they went. If Steve caught on, he never mentioned it, he just gave Bucky a weird look, but he never pressed him for answers.

The worst part of all was that Bucky _liked_ Peggy. There was nothing not to like, she was adventurous and funny, and she was good for Steve. She was gorgeous, with red lips and shining curls, and she was just as stubborn as Steve, if not more. Steve had confessed to him that he was in love with her because she challenged him and never took any of his shit, she made him better.

He still remembers the day that Steve introduced Peggy to their friends as his girlfriend. Steve invited them all out to dinner and made it his mission to choose a day that all of their friends were available. Bucky hadn’t felt like going out because he was so exhausted from his classes and from working, but Natasha had kept hassling him into coming so that he could have a fun night out for once. He’d sat next to Natasha and Sharon, playfully arguing with Sam and Maria from across the table about a topic he can’t even remember anymore before he had spotted Steve. He’d looked like a dream, his light blue button-up making his eyes pop, his golden hair combed neatly and his cheeks rosy the way they got whenever he was happy. Bucky’s heart had started beating faster until he’d seen Peggy by Steve’s side holding his hand, and then his heart was dropping.

Steve had proudly presented her to them and gave her a kiss on the cheek when they sat down at the table and Natasha had peeked at Bucky from the corner of her eye and took his hand in hers under the table. Bucky could never forget that evening, it had crushed him. Sam and Maria were quick to interrogate Steve jokingly about where he’d been hiding her and Steve had blushed spectacularly, flushing from Sharon’s teasing. Natasha sat stiffly at Bucky’s side, discreetly rubbing Bucky’s back and trying to settle him down, he hadn’t even realized he’d been shaking.

Steve had then made eye contact with Bucky from the other side of the table and given him a dazzling smile before speaking to him from across the table. “You’ll love her, Buck. You guys have a ton in common.” And Natasha had squeezed his hand so tight he thought she’d break it before she quickly stepped in and changed the subject before Bucky had a chance to respond, his only response to Steve a forced smile to both him and Peggy. It was the hardest night of his life and Bucky had been so grateful for Natasha and Sharon both shielding him from having attention to himself and they’d made an excuse for why all three of them had to leave from the dinner early.

Bucky had been there for all of the milestones of their relationship, and for all of Steve’s date freak-outs and he couldn’t make sense of the way Steve looked so small in his living room now, shoulders drooped and eyes tired.

“What happened?” His voice was hoarse.

Steve looked at him sadly and let out a tired sigh. “She said she didn’t feel the same about me anymore.” Bucky only stared and Steve let out a humorless laugh. “She said she wants to continue being friends, but she didn’t see us continuing romantically. She has to make time to be alone and find herself, whatever that means.”

Despite the fact that they’d just hugged, Bucky felt somewhat awkward when he brought an arm up to rub Steve’s back. They barely saw each other outside of group hangouts and even then, Bucky always stayed near Natasha and Sharon, and Steve usually gravitated towards Sam. At first, it had been hard for Bucky to stay away because Steve always tried to stick to him the way he always had, no one ever took the spot next to Bucky because everyone knew it belonged to Steve. It changed when Natasha and Sharon began to occupy the spaces around Bucky, and Steve had fought back at first, trying to get there before them or steal Bucky away, but Bucky never resisted Natasha’s efforts to pull him aside and Steve finally gave up trying. Eventually, Bucky mastered being around him, hardly felt the pain of seeing Steve and Peggy curled into each other anymore. It also meant that the fluidity between Steve and Bucky that had always been present since childhood was no longer there, and their interactions felt less natural. Steve and Bucky used to have no boundaries, always wrapped around each other or with a hand on one another, but since Peggy came around, Bucky always kept his hands to himself and let his nails bite into the skin of his palms. In the last two years, they had probably hung out, just the two of them, about four times. And Bucky only ever accepted having quality time doing casual and safe activities, like Steve coming over to watch a movie and then leaving, or Steve coming over to use Bucky’s window to sketch the city because his apartment had the best view. That was another thing, Steve could come over, but Bucky never went over to Steve’s place. Because Steve lived together with Peggy, and Bucky didn’t hate himself that much.

Steve responded well to when Bucky squeezed between his neck and shoulder, something he always loved Bucky doing when he was upset. He gave Bucky a grateful smile and then laid his chin on his knees. “Hey Buck, do you think it’s okay if I stay here for a while? I’m sorry to ask, but I don’t think I can stand to stay at my place right now.”

Bucky knew he shouldn’t say yes. He knew it was a disastrous idea, and he shouldn’t accept it unless he had a death wish. It was stupid and risky, and it would unravel all the hard work he’d done to get to where he was now, with his feelings for Steve hidden away deep, deep down in his heart.

Bucky gave another squeeze before removing his hand and placing it back in his lap. “Of course, Steve, you don’t have to ask. Stay as long as you need.” He wanted so badly to bring Steve back into a hug and play with his hair, but he knew he couldn’t do that again because it had a different meaning for him than it did for Steve. He could be a good friend to Steve until this blew over, Peggy was most likely just dealing with some changes and she’d realize that she and Steve belonged together. He didn’t know what to say to console him, so he settled with, “It’ll all work out, pal. Whatever is going on with Peggy will work out, and if it doesn’t, well she has no idea what she’s missing out on.”

He was rewarded with another smile from Steve, one that seemed more genuine, and he had to look away. He got up quickly and pulled out blankets and a pillow and stopped in front of Steve and threw the pillow down. “Lay back,”

Steve arched an eyebrow at him and let out a laugh. “Are you going to tuck me in?” God, how Bucky loved that laugh, it’d been so long since he’d heard it directed at him. He missed being able to see up close the way the corner of his eyes crinkled when he smiled.

Bucky ignored the heavy weight in his chest as well as how incredibly stupid he was being. “Just lay down, punk.”

Steve was still smiling as he settled down against the pillow. “Jerk.” The pull-in of Bucky’s chest at the use of their old nicknames almost made him unravel right there in his living room, but he supposed that he had asked for it. Bucky laid the blanket on top of him and tucked the edges in around his body. He wanted to brush Steve’s bangs off his forehead and place a kiss there, he wanted to brush his thumb against his cheek and wish him a good night. Instead, he quickly straightened back up to turn off the light.

Steve caught his wrist as he was walking away and stopped to look down. Steve was staring at him with tired eyes, sad, and exhausted. “Thanks again, Buck.”

Bucky gritted his teeth and felt his eyes burning. He carefully took his hand back from Steve and looked straight ahead instead of looking at Steve again. “Whatever you need, Steve.” He didn’t hear the disappointed sigh that Steve let out.

He was quick to turn off the light and head back into his room. He knew that Steve needed a friend right now and Bucky had been a good friend by letting him stay, but he also knew this was undoubtedly going to blow up in his face one way or another. The first thing he did when he made it into his room was to pull out his phone and send a message.

 **Nat, I made a mistake**. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long before a response came in.

_What happened? Are you okay?_

**Steve and Peggy broke up. He showed up here and asked if he could stay here for a while and I said yes.**

_Oh, honey. Why would you do that?_

**He needs a friend right now. I can do that for him. PLEASE come by first thing in the morning. I don’t think I can get through the awkward first morning alone.**

_You don’t have to beg me, James. Of course, I’ll be there, we can talk about it some more tomorrow. Get some sleep. Love you._

**Thanks, Nat, I love you too. Tell Sharon I said goodnight.**

Bucky got into bed and stared at his ceiling unable to fall asleep, dreading the morning.

+

Bucky woke up feeling exhausted and groaned when he looked over at his alarm clock. It was his day off which meant he’d be stuck inside with Steve all day. He’d never wished to be called into work more than in that moment. He picked up his phone and saw a message from Natasha on the screen.

_Making breakfast for Sharon, then I’m on my way._

Bucky replied with his agreement and contemplated staying hidden in bed all day for five minutes before making himself get up and dressed. He pulled on sweatpants and a sweater before padding into the kitchen.

Steve was already in the kitchen when Bucky emerged, and Bucky cursed himself for forgetting that Steve was such an early bird. Steve spotted him from the kitchen and gave him a tentative smile. “Hey, Buck.”

Bucky returned his own weak smile. “Still an early riser, huh Rogers?” He avoided Steve’s eyes as he made his way over to the coffee machine. “Coffee?”

Steve looked sheepish. “I already had a cup,” Bucky snorted and waved him off.

“Make yourself at home Steve, seriously. Mi casa es su casa, and all that.” Bucky continued to stare at the machine until Steve cleared his throat.

“Do you feel like waffles? I’ll make them.” Bucky finally looked over at him. He sighed internally but relented. Steve was offering him an olive branch; he was obviously trying to make conversation and Bucky didn’t want to ruin his efforts with his own negative attitude. None of Bucky’s inner turmoil was Steve’s fault.

“Well,” Bucky said dramatically. “I can’t deny famous Roger’s waffles. Sarah would kill me.” Steve’s answering smile was blinding.

Eventually, Steve shooed him out of the kitchen and told him to wait at the table, and Bucky just laughed and said, “You don’t gotta tell me twice, less work for me.” and Steve rolled his eyes and pushed at his shoulder.

It felt so natural, something Bucky hadn’t felt with Steve for a long time. He almost believed he could survive this, having Steve around without really having him. Breakfast was like old times that morning, Jokes came easy, and Bucky even let himself fall back into the easy way he used to tease Steve about dumb things like Steve’s mismatched socks and bed head.

Steve sounded so normal it was almost impossible to know that he had just experienced a breakup. Well, it would be, if it wasn’t for the bags under his eyes and the way his eyes were puffy from crying the night before. Steve was in the middle of trying to deflect Bucky’s fork and steal the last blueberry on Bucky’s plate when the doorbell rang.

Steve frowned in confusion as Bucky got up from his seat and went over to answer the door. Bucky immediately felt relief flood through his system when he saw Natasha standing on the other side. She was wearing yoga pants and a pullover, her red hair pulled into a messy bun with sunglasses perched on top of her head. She gave him a sympathetic look and brought a hand up to push a loose strand of his hair behind his ear. “How are you doing, honey?”

Before he could answer, Steve appeared from beside him. “Oh, hey Nat. I didn’t know you were coming over.” There was something off in his voice, Bucky couldn’t tell what it was though something in Natasha’s face said that she did. Natasha replied with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Neither did I, but I was in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. What are you doing here, Steve?” She asked as if she didn’t know. Bucky looked between them confused at the interaction before opening the door for her to walk through.

Steve walked back to his plate at the table and sat down quietly, still looking at Natasha weird. Natasha pulled up the seat next to Bucky’s and sat down crisscross. Bucky didn’t say anything as he cut into his waffle, uncomfortable with the sudden silence in the room and the thick tension in the air.

Steve eventually broke the silence. “Uh, Peggy and I broke up yesterday,” he explained to Nat. “I asked Bucky if it would be okay to stay with him until I figure things out with her.”

“Oh, Steve. I’m so sorry, I had no idea. How are you doing?” Natasha’s eyes softened and Bucky could tell that her concern was real. They were still friends even if she wasn’t as close with Steve as Bucky.

“Better than I was last night, but I’m sure we’ll get things sorted out soon enough and I can get out of Bucky’s way,” Steve said pushing food around his plate with a stiff smile to Bucky. Bucky couldn’t help the sadness he felt bubbling in his stomach at the thought of Steve leaving again to go back with Peggy. He knew it was bound to happen, they belonged together, and Bucky had long since come to terms with the fact that he and Steve were only meant to be friends.

“So, you’re staying here,” she said slowly. Bucky’s eyes flicked over to her and he prayed for her not to do what she was about to do but she didn’t meet his eyes. Bucky knew that voice, it was the voice she used when she was about to start an interrogation for answers she already knew. “Mind if I ask why you didn’t ask to stay with Sam?”

Steve’s eyes squinted slightly. “Well, I knew it was selfish to just barge in on Sam and ask if I could stay with him when Maria just moved in. I didn’t want to be a burden and-”

Nat cut him off, striking like a snake. “So, it’s okay to burden Bucky? Because he’s single.”

The clench in Steve’s jaw was noticeable. “No, that’s not what I meant.” He turned his hard stare away from Natasha towards Bucky. “That’s not what I meant, Buck.”

If God was real, he would answer Bucky’s prayers for the earth to swallow him up. He was mad at himself because even after hearing that he was the last resort for Steve, he didn’t mind. And why wouldn’t he be? They were barely friends anymore; it was the most he’d seen on Steve in months and he had missed him. He would take anything Steve gave him, and he didn’t know if that made him sad or just an idiot.

Bucky just swallowed past the lump in his throat and waved his hand at Steve as it was nothing, trying to change the direction that the conversation was going. Bucky stabbed a piece of waffle, pointing it at Natasha. “Steve made breakfast, want some?”

Natasha stared at the waffle for a few seconds before opening her mouth for Bucky to feed it to her. His face heated from the embarrassment of being watched by Steve while Natasha waited for him with raised eyebrows. Ignoring the way his face heated up, he gently brought his fork to her lips and tried not to stare as her mouth closed around it. Steve looked between the two of them with a blank look.

She took the piece and chewed it quickly. Swallowing, she looked up in contemplation before finally speaking. “It’s a little dry.” She smiled sweetly at Steve whose knuckles were white around his own fork.

Bucky was still completely baffled. Sure, they weren’t as close with each other as their other friends, but he’d never seen Natasha act as hostile towards Steve as she was at that moment. Sometimes she got mad at Steve when Bucky was feeling particularly down about something that happened with him, but she never expressed that anger outwardly toward him. Their whole group was really close, and they all got along like siblings, it’s what made them work out so well. But in this instance, Natasha was like a snake, attacking Steve from all angles and Steve was starting to flush and bite his cheek, a sign Bucky was well acquainted with and had seen multiple times throughout his life. It was the look of Steve about to insert himself into a fight. Bucky was suddenly taken back to distant memories of Steve in his middle school years, bony and small, the way he was before puberty hit him like a ton of bricks, starting fights with every bully who tried to push him around. Those fights always ended with Steve nursing a bloody nose or a black eye, but now that Steve was bigger, he hardly ever lost a fight. Bucky was ripped from his moment of nostalgia when Steve spoke up again, Bucky’s interest peaked at the peculiar question.

Steve cleared his throat. “So, where’s Sharon right now? You guys are still together, right?”

“You know we are.” She said without missing a beat, green eyes flashing. Bucky continued working through his waffles, suddenly overwhelmed and anxious.

“No yeah, I was just wondering because it seems like you’re always with Bucky. You definitely always just happen to show up when I’m hanging out with Bucky, just wondering when you have time to see Sharon.” Steve had abandoned his breakfast, his hands now on the table, his attention focused solely on Natasha.

“Steve,” Bucky said quietly. Now it was Bucky’s turn to be surprised by Steve’s behavior. Steve was always polite, a complete gentleman compared to the rest of them, and he was never rude, no matter how mad he was. And he never said anything that would hurt someone. There was a reason they all teased him about being the golden boy.

“How would you know, Steve?” She laughed but there was no humor behind it. “You guys don’t even hang out. And the reason I’m always here is that Bucky and I are best friends.”

There was no way to miss the reaction Steve had from Natasha calling him Bucky, his body freezing and eyes turning sad. No one but Steve called him that, everyone called him Barnes except for Natasha who called him James. But Steve was the only one who’d been in his life long enough to call him Bucky. He’d been there the first time Becca had mistakenly called him Bucky trying to imitate their angry mother’s yell of “James Buchanan!” from across the house. Since then, he was Bucky to his entire family and Steve.

Steve stared at her for what seemed like an eternity before giving her something that was supposed to be a smile. “Good seeing you, Natasha.” He stalked away from the table and went into the bathroom, leaving Bucky gaping.

“What the hell was that?” Bucky demanded when he was alone with Natasha.

“What was what?” Natasha asked innocently, plucking another piece of waffle off his plate. “These aren’t actually that bad.”

“You know what!” He couldn’t believe the bizarre situation he’d just sat through. Where was Sam when you needed him? “You practically grilled him.”

She snorted. “It was long due if you ask me. You heard him Bucky, he only came to you last night because everyone else is in a relationship, and you actually have the time and means to coddle him.”

Bucky felt his heart deflate at that. “Yeah. I know.”

“Oh, honey. It’ll be fine, you’ll see. And you can always throw him out if it gets to be too much.”

He tipped his head back against his chair, staring up at the ceiling. “No, I can’t.”

She sighed with a sad smile, patting the side of his face softly. “I know. Text me later.”

Bucky walked her out and kept watching even after she disappeared around the corner of his apartments. He walked back into the kitchen, clearing out the table with a sigh and bringing them to the sink.

He couldn’t wrap his mind around the way Natasha and Steve had acted with each other, cold and rude. He knew that she harbored some ill thoughts about Steve sometimes whenever Bucky was dealing with trying to act normal in front of Steve, with or without Peggy around, but he also knew that she never held it against him for long. Bucky had made it clear to Natasha and Sharon numerous times that his feelings were his own to deal with, and none of it was Steve’s fault. If anything, it was Bucky’s fault for being such a coward and running away from him instead of being upfront with him about why he avoided him.

But Bucky had everything to lose from Steve finding out. He had a lifetime of friendship that would be put at risk if he confessed. He’d already made things weird between their families, he didn’t want to ruin things for his friends too. Since Steve and Bucky had met in elementary school, they were inseparable, and soon their families began to intermingle and get together. They spent every holiday together, and Bucky and Steve’s moms were best friends and went everywhere together. Since Steve started dating Peggy, Bucky showed up less and less to their unified holiday gatherings. Even though Steve had never brought Peggy over to meet Bucky’s family, being around Steve gushing about her to their families every time they got together was something Bucky could do without. Bucky had started to spend the holidays with Natasha’s family, who took quick to him and always sent him back with days’ worth of leftovers and Russian desserts. If he went back home, he always pretended it was a coincidence that he was arriving days away or days after they had gotten together with the Rogers family.

He turned back to his plate and saw that he’d been letting the water run all over his already clean plate for who knows how long. Sighing, he placed it in the dishwasher and dried his hands. A cough from behind made him jump, turning to see Steve standing at the entryway of the kitchen looking guilty.

“Um, I just wanted to say sorry for the way that I acted at breakfast. It was uncalled for, and I shouldn’t have made a scene with your guests.” He looked visibly uncomfortable as he shifted from one foot to another. “I already apologized to Nat, but I’m also really sorry for the position I put you in with my behavior.”

Bucky couldn’t keep the smile off his face. He knew that Steve was going through a hard time and he would never treat any of their friends like that if he wasn’t feeling so bad.

“I’m not mad at you, Steve.” Steve smiled back, still looking embarrassed. Bucky punched his shoulder weakly. “The angry Russian was asking for it.”

“Well she was right about one thing,” Steve said in complete seriousness. Bucky stared but he didn’t elaborate.

“And what’s that?” Bucky finally asked. Steve’s face changed into something gloomy and Bucky wanted so badly to never see him look anything but happy.

“We don’t hang out. Anymore.” His voice was quiet, and Bucky felt a stab of guilt at being the cause of Steve’s dejected expression.

Bucky stayed quiet, unsure of what to say. What could he say? _Yeah, sorry that I’ve been avoiding you for almost two years and always have an excuse as to why I can’t meet up. I’ve been in love with you since we were twelve, so. It’s a little hard on me to be around you when all you want to do is talk about your relationship_. No, instead he just stood there staring at Steve like an idiot.

Steve was looking at him expectantly, arms hugging himself while he stared from his spot at the doorway. Bucky licked his lips and struggled to form words, anything he said was going to sound like an excuse, not that he was ever good at lying to Steve. Not about unimportant things, at least. In terms of being in love, Bucky was a pro at lying. Eventually, Steve gave up on waiting for him to speak up and went to stand in front of Bucky, invading his space.

“I want us to hang out again,” He turned his body to face Bucky, a frown tugging at his lips when Bucky didn’t look at him, keeping his gaze on the dishwasher. “Does Nat always have to be around, though?”

Bucky stilled. “Steve, she’s,” he was careful not to call her his best friend in case it would offend him further. “always welcome here. Just like you are, just like everyone is.”

“Doesn’t feel that way,” Steve muttered. A burst of sadness filtered through Bucky. “I’m sorry if I made it seem that way, I want to hang out more, too.” He said, finally meeting Steve’s eyes.

Steve reached for Bucky’s hand, looking up at Bucky exasperated when Bucky’s hand reflexively curled into a fist and moved away from his. A blush rose to Bucky’s cheeks at how childish the gesture seemed. “Sorry.” He relaxed his hand at his side and willed himself to breathe normally.

Steve moved slowly this time, his hand pausing an inch from Bucky’s and looking up at him for confirmation. He couldn’t help the way his heart melted at the action, a small smile taking over his face when he looked at Steve. Steve brought their hands together, his larger hand wrapping around Bucky’s and squeezing, their fingers loosely interlaced.

A bolt of electricity shot through him at the feeling of touching Steve for the first time in ages, he couldn’t even remember the last time they’d even just brushed shoulders in passing. Holding hands was something they hadn’t done since before college, an act of intimacy that signalized having each other’s backs through hardships. Heart thundering in his chest, he squeezed back and quickly took his hand back.

Steve only looked at him expectantly. Finally finding his voice, Bucky walked away from him and turned to face him when he was almost completely out of the kitchen. “How do you feel about nature documentaries?” Steve’s laugh was music to his ears.

Bucky had let Steve do the honors of choosing, pleased when he had gone with a documentary on the Savanna because he hadn’t gotten around to watching it yet himself. Although they sat on opposite ends of the couch with what was probably an excessive amount of space between them, it was still progress. The ache in his chest from finally being able to spend time with Steve again was welcomed for once. With just the two of them enjoying a show in Bucky’s apartment, he felt like he was sitting next to Steve Rogers – his best friend, not Steve Rogers – the guy he could never have.

When Steve laughed, he tuned back in, looking at the television screen showing a lion hiding in tall grass. “What’s funny, Rogers?”

“It’s hard to take this seriously when the narrator is British.” He said shrugging, shoving his arm behind his head.

Bucky looked away from the muscles flexing there. “Hey, I happen to find it very calming. That gazelle is about to be eaten by the lion, but my man is going to make it sound like something beautiful is about to happen.”

“Your man?” He snorted. “You’ve got issues, Barnes.”

“Just watch.” Bucky insisted.

Bucky was laughing while the narrator described the movement of the lion as it snuck up on the gazelle and chased after it, before finally stumbling onto the ground with the gazelle in its jaws.

“Are you kidding me? It sounded like he was narrating a story about a spy.” Steve groaned.

“Lions are just like that!” Bucky protested, but he was still laughing. “You have to see them in the act.”

“Do you want to?” Steve asked, turning his back to the TV and folding himself to face Bucky.

Lost, Bucky asked, “What?”

“Do you want to go see some lions?” Steve raised a brow, a lazy smile still on his face.

“Like, go to the zoo?”

Steve sighed dramatically, throwing his head back. “Yes! You said you want to hang out more too, we can go to the zoo.” He quickly added, “Just the two of us, though.”

“Um,” Bucky was freaking out. Just the two of them meant he couldn’t text Natasha to crash their plans and make it seem like a coincidence. Not that he was going to, he was serious about being there for Steve, even if that meant they would be hanging out more often. But he wasn’t going to lie, it was happening a lot quicker than he thought it would be, he assumed they still had a couple more rounds of watching TV together before they ventured into hanging out outside the apartment. “Sounds great, Steve.”

“We’ll go on your next day off then! I’ll pay since it was my idea.” Steve, satisfied with Bucky’s response, turned back around to the documentary, rolling his eyes at the cheetah and its cubs on-screen surrounding a gazelle of their own.

“Sure,” Bucky said weakly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trip to the zoo doesn't end up as planned.

Bucky’s next day off, to his despair, is a week later. He could tell that Steve was excited to go to the zoo if the way he was buzzing in his skin the last few days was any indication. Steve was always a different person in the morning, cheery and bright as the sun. Steve was flawless at pretending like everything was fine and he hadn’t just suffered a serious breakup, Bucky wouldn’t be able to tell he was battling internal despair if it wasn’t for the way Steve cried himself to sleep when he thought Bucky had already gone to bed, or the puffy eyes he woke up with every morning. He had to respect the effort Steve was making to not mope around all day and show how sad he was, but Bucky almost wished he would. He hated how Steve always thought he had to be the strongest person in the room, always quick to help people with their problems, but not exposing any of his own. Ever since the first night when he had shown up on Bucky’s doorstep, Steve hadn’t let himself cry in front of him or even talked about Peggy. 

Steve’s face lit up when he saw Bucky. 

“I printed out the online map and circled the habitats that are the coolest. Did you know they have camels there?” He was talking a mile a minute and his excitement was contagious. Bucky found himself smiling. 

“So, you really want to go to the zoo, huh?” Bucky had meant it to be teasing. 

The smile that had been on Steve’s face a second ago faded, an insecure look taking its place. “You want to go too, right?”

“Steve,” Bucky berated himself for being the cause of Steve’s insecurities. Steve was always a picture of confidence, seeing him doubt himself was something Bucky hadn’t seen on him since they were kids. “Of course, I do. Think we’ll see a cheetah too?”

Steve beamed at him, pulling Bucky over to the couch. Bucky allowed himself to be dragged into Steve’s space, their thighs almost touching. He shoved the zoo map into Bucky’s face excitedly, pointing at a picture on the page. “They have cheetahs too!”

Bucky didn’t hear anything Steve said as his hands flew all over the map. Instead, he stared at Steve’s face, taking in the way his swollen eyes shined with excitement, framed by thick lashes. His hair glowed under the sunlight entering Bucky’s living room window, perfectly styled golden flecks catching in the light. His nose, slanted from not being set right after a fistfight, brought on memories of a younger Steve getting into brawls with every person who had something to say about him or anyone else. He was so pretty and so  _ good _ on the inside, he just couldn’t wrap his mind around what could’ve happened to make Peggy’s feelings change. Did she even know what she had? Steve’s lips, pink and plush, Bucky noticed, were now unmoving.

Bucky lifted his eyes back up to meet Steve’s and saw he was already staring at him, his stare questioning. Bucky had clearly missed the question, and heat raised to his face. “Sorry, what?”

Steve huffed in fake annoyance. “I said, are you okay with going tomorrow?”

“I’ll buy the tickets tonight, but you’re buying lunch.” He joked. Steve smiled and nodded, going back to discussing the map. Bucky’s chest ached. 

  
  


When Bucky talked to Natasha about the zoo that night, she’d been concerned.

“Honey, are you sure you want to do this?” He could hear her concern through the phone, and he was grateful that she was still a voice of reason for him. It had to get annoying that he was constantly overanalyzing every interaction he had with Steve in the same degree that he did. 

“I miss him, Nat. I think maybe I was wrong to just ignore him and hope that something would change, that I would change… or he would change. I hurt him by staying away, I hurt both of us, and I want to make it up to him. We’re supposed to be best friends”

She sighed. There was shuffling in the background and he figured she was getting ready for bed too. “Maybe you’re right. Do you need me there, just in case?”

Bucky thought about it. There was nothing he could think of that might happen where he would need Natasha as emotional support, Peggy was out of the picture for now and he wasn’t going to be stuck somewhere with Steve, they were out in public. God, it was ridiculous to act like being somewhere with steve alone equated to being stuck in some kind of dangerous situation. Well, it  _ was _ dangerous for him, there was always the danger of being too obvious with Steve, of slipping up. But he’d promised Steve that they would hang out more. Without Natasha. Not that he was going to tell her that, it would hurt her feelings that Steve would request that and that Bucky would agree, and he would never want to do that to her. 

“Thanks, mom,” he joked, but he was still grateful for the offer. “I think I’ll survive. We’ve been watching TV together since the other day after you when you came over, things have been… easier. I’m working on it.”

Wishing him luck and a good night, Natasha hung up and he was left lying in bed in silence, both nervous and excited for the next day. 

+

Bucky woke up the next morning to the sound of clattering coming from the kitchen, followed by cursing. He laughed to himself, imagining what Steve could be getting up to, and threw the cover off his body to get dressed. Steve wanted to drive to the zoo early so they could take their time at all the exhibits and wouldn’t have to worry about not getting to see everything before closing. Steve had made them an  _ itinerary. _ The zoo wasn’t that far from Bucky’s apartment so they wouldn’t be stuck in the car together for too long but would have enough time to enjoy a moment together.

Bucky decided that with the weather forecast he would go with his ripped black jeans and an olive-green bomber jacket to wear over his My Chemical Romance t-shirt. When he was done getting ready, he looked over his appearance one last time before heading into the kitchen. He had to admit he looked good; it was a shame he was single.

Bucky walked in on Steve standing over the stove fussing over a pan. There were various items scattered all over the kitchen counter that Bucky definitely didn’t have in his fridge. A medium-sized bowl of mixed fruit was placed in the middle of the dining table. The image of Steve standing in his kitchen and buying things for his fridge, for them to both eat, was doing things to his brain. He forced himself to snap out of it, Steve wouldn’t be here forever and he had to keep his fantasies from getting away from him. 

“Did you…go shopping?” He asked.

Steve jumped from his spot at the stove and let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I went this morning. I figured for an important and long day like this we should spoil ourselves with breakfast. I’m making crepes.”

Bucky noticed the plate of extremely thin pancakes on the other side of Steve for the first time. “Sounds good Steve, do you need me to help with anything?”

He turned to give Bucky a grin. “Nope. Just sit down, everything is almost ready, I’m just finishing up.” He started to hum something Bucky didn’t recognize.

Steve’s good mood was infectious. Bucky thought that this might be a successful outing that was going to reconnect them as friends. He had to admit that Steve staying with him hadn’t been as hard as he’d been dreading it would be, and it didn’t hurt to have someone else helping with rent. There was almost no awkwardness left between the two of them, though they still left space between them when they sat together every night to watch TV. His eyes didn’t look as sad this morning, and the swelling had gone down. He seemed to be genuinely happy to be staying with Bucky and working on their friendship, and Bucky felt like they were teenagers again, revolving around one another the way best friends do. He had forgotten how it felt to be close to and liked by Steve Rogers. How special it felt. 

The drive to the zoo left Bucky feeling weightless when he got out of the passenger seat. Steve requested that Bucky take the Aux cord and Bucky decided he was feeling a little nostalgic. He chose to play the road trip playlist that they’d made together when they were eighteen to listen to on the drive back to their hometown from their college tour. For a moment Bucky had feared that Steve wouldn’t remember the playlist, but the warm smile Steve directed at him when he realized what they were listening to had Bucky feeling giddy. They sang along loud and offkey and it was the happiest he’d felt in a long time. He was powerless against the frenzy of butterflies making a home in his stomach. 

Steve insisted that their first stop be the lions and Bucky wasn’t about to deny him anything. He made Bucky take a picture of him in front of the exhibit which had Bucky rolling his eyes from Steve’s pose as he pretended to be a lion, and then he insisted that they took one together. Bucky’s heart raced at the close proximity as Steve threw one arm over his shoulders and pressed their faces close together. He sent the photo to Bucky and he couldn’t stop staring at their flushed cheeks and the genuine happiness on their faces, hair messy from the wind and squinted eyes. Bucky saved it immediately. 

They made it to about five more animals before shit hit the fan. Bucky was in the middle of reading a placard about the coloring of flamingos when he heard Steve grunt from beside him. “Are you kidding me?”

He looked over at him confused but Steve wasn’t looking at him, he was staring in a direction ahead. Bucky followed his gaze and saw some familiar faces. Natasha and Sharon were standing close together at an exhibit across from them, unaware they’d been spotted.

“I asked you for us to enjoy a single hang out without Nat tagging along. What’s going on, Bucky?”

Bucky’s heart was pounding at the look on Steve’s face. He didn’t look hurt the way he had that morning at breakfast when Natasha showed up at his apartment, now he looked furious. It was a look that was hardly ever directed at Bucky, he could count the number of times on one hand. He didn’t understand what was going on, he hadn’t asked Nat to show up and he’d reassured her that he could handle this. Did she come to keep an eye on them or where they on a date?

“I- I didn’t know she was coming, she just happened to be here.” He knew he probably looked suspicious with the way he couldn’t meet Steve’s eyes. He couldn’t help it, he didn’t deal with it well when people were angry at him, especially Steve. 

“Oh yeah she just always happens to show up, doesn’t she?” The sarcasm in his voice stung. “She always just happens to show up when  _ we’re _ together. You know, I’ve asked our other friends before, and they don’t seem to have that issue with you two. Does she have a problem with me, or do you?”

Bucky’s head snapped up to look at Steve. Now he did sound hurt, but his eyes were still trained on Natasha and Sharon.

“Steve-” He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Steve grabbed onto his wrist and guided him over to where Natasha and Sharon were standing. He didn’t try to stop him and didn’t know what face he had on because when Natasha noticed them the look surprise on her face from seeing Steve approaching quickly turned into a hard stare when she saw him dragging Bucky along.

“Hi Steve, hi Bucky,” Sharon had a friendly smile on her face despite the tense atmosphere surrounding them. She was always the calmer of the pair, the one to calm a situation when Nat got worked up. They balanced each other out amazingly well.

“What are you guys doing here?” Steve asked, ignoring Sharon’s greeting. Bucky gave her an apologetic smile. She didn’t seem fazed by his rudeness but she stepped closer to Nat. 

“We’re on a date, what does it look like,” Nat answered, voice dripping with annoyance.

“Oh really? You just happened to come on a date where Bucky and I were going to be today?” Bucky could feel the tension rising and he knew there wasn’t long before the situation would get out of hand, Nat and Steve were both incredibly stubborn and neither of them liked to back down, obviously, from the last time they were together.

“James mentioned that you guys were going to be going to the zoo, and I figured Sharon and I were overdue for a date. What are you trying to say, Steve?” She was antagonizing him.

Sharon put her hand on Natasha’s arm as a warning, or as comfort. Nat didn’t even look down at it, keeping her hard stare pointed at Steve, who didn’t look any friendlier. 

“I’m trying to say that you act like a damn babysitter with Bucky, and it’s really aggravating. He doesn’t need you around twenty-four-seven, he’s a grown man.” His chest was puffed out in annoyance, an uncomfortable silence following his words.

Nat looked murderous as she took a step forward.

“ _ Steve _ .” Bucky pulled on his wrist that was still being held onto by Steve. He turned around to look at Bucky and his face lost some of its edge.

“This is just a coincidence, Steve.” He removed his wrist out of Steve’s grasp to squeeze his hand in reassurance, he seemed to relax a little at that. “I promised this was just going to be an ‘us’ day and it is. I swear.”

“Yeah, I promise we didn’t come here to stalk you guys or whatever you think is going on.” Sharon had put a protective arm over Nat who seemed to be simmering down.

Steve was simmering down too if the guilty expression on his face was anything to go by. “I’m…sorry. I just. I’ve been waiting for a chance to hang out with Buck one-on-one and there always seems to be someone hanging around to the point it almost felt intentional. I just wanted to spend a day with my best friend.”

Nat and Bucky exchanged quick looks. “It’s fine, Steve. I mean, I am pretty overprotective about Bucky. I just don’t like seeing him get hurt is all.”

Bucky stiffened. That sentence seemed to have just a bit too many underlying truths too close to the surface of the conversation for him to be comfortable. “Nat.”

“Who’s hurting Bucky?” Steve turned to look at Bucky confused, but he refused to meet his gaze, instead exchange words with Natasha through their eyes alone. 

“Never mind that. Since we’re all here, do you guys want to look around together?” Sharon was back into her normal cheerful mood and Natasha didn’t appear to be against the idea.

They agreed to spend the rest of the day looking at all the animals together and Bucky bought Steve a keychain with his name on it in exchange for the magnet with a picture of a lion that Steve got him. It felt…good. It felt like old times, hanging out with his friends, and enjoying being in Steve’s presence. He only wished that they had invited their whole friend group because it would’ve been a great outing to have with everyone, minus the awkward confrontation in the middle of the day. Bucky would allow himself to feel guilty later for enjoying Steve being single and carefree with him despite healing with huge heartache, but for now, he was happy to bask in the attention he was getting from Steve and the constant chatter that flowed between them.

The park closed at five, so they all headed to the front of the park to say their goodbyes and go on their separate ways to find their cars. Sharon gave him a tight hug and made him promise to text her later, Bucky laughed and agreed.

Natasha gave him a happy but sympathetic look and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, something she’d made a habit of doing ever since he could remember. “Bye James, thanks for hanging out with us today even though we crashed your date.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at the mention of the word ‘date’ and playfully pushed her away in fake annoyance when she pressed an obnoxious red kiss to his cheek which he tried in vain to wipe off. He felt Steve’s stare on them, but he didn’t say anything until they’d separated and reached the car.

“She really is some kind of mother hen with you, huh?” Steve started the car as Bucky was putting on his seatbelt.

He paused. “Yeah, I guess so. It’s all friendly of course, I’m clingy with everyone.”

“Not everyone. You’re not like that with me.” Steve’s voice was small, and Bucky stared at the glove compartment instead of looking over at him.

“Well…” There was a long pause. He didn’t know how to respond to that, he’d never expected that Steve would be so blunt about the changes in their relationship, and he didn’t have any kind of answer prepared for this situation. Or any excuse. 

Steve stayed quiet. He was clearly waiting for an answer and didn’t plan to leave the conversation alone.

“Do you want to be?” Bucky asked quietly. He suddenly felt embarrassed, not the best wording.

“I never wanted us not to be. Somehow, it just happened.” Steve said. He sounded sad and Bucky finally looked over at him, surprised to see Steve was already staring at him.

Bucky nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. He was on a roll with being part of uncomfortable conversations lately and he felt exhausted.

Steve put his hand over his, making him jump. He smiled at Bucky and squeezed the hand under his before putting his hand on the steering wheel. “By the way, I don’t know what Natasha was talking about earlier about you getting hurt by someone, but if you need me to deal with someone for you, you know I’ve got your back.” His smile turned devious. “I’m scrappy.”

Bucky shaped his mouth into a fake smile. Steve’s unawareness was amazing. “Thanks, Pal.”


End file.
